When I was little, I had a fierce love for ladybugs. I spent many days catching them and playing with them. I counted the spots and observed the different shades of red each small body had. My love for ladybugs turned into an obsession. I had many items of ladybug themed clothing and for a particular birthday, my mom made a ladybug cake.
One year, my sister got the idea to give me ladybugs as a gift for my birthday. She bought a mesh bag filled with hundreds of them and did her best to make sure I didn’t find out. One night as I was just getting in bed, I heard my sister yelling, “MOM!” out into the hallway. I jumped out of bed curious as to what was happening once I heard much commotion taking place. Of course, I was told to go back to bed. Come to find out, my sister wanted to transfer the mesh bag of ladybugs into a large mason jar. As she sat the jar on the bathroom counter and opened the bag for the ladybugs to enter the glass habitat, you can imagine what happened next. I’m still not sure how she and my mom managed to get rid of that large amount of ladybugs, but I’m sure the fact that the wallpaper had a nature theme with ladybugs printed throughout, didn’t help the process. Needless to say, this is a story within our family that never gets old.
A year ago today, not only was I faced with the unexpected trauma of another seizure, but I also received news of the loss of a special person in my life. Edward Jones, a dear friend to my mom who she considered a younger brother, was like an uncle to me. I had only known him for a few years but he played a major role in my life. He had a great side hobby of mixing music and being the DJ of different major events, so when it came time for my sweet sixteen and my eighteenth birthday party, who better to ask to do the music? My voice teacher happened to live just around the corner from him so each week after my lesson, sometimes I would go to his house with my mom and share a new song I had written or just catch up on life and laugh about its absurdities. I can remember many times being in the car with my mom having a stressful situation happen and a call from Edward would be just the thing to brighten her spirits.
It was the most surreal feeling just waking up from a heavy sleep in my parents’ hotel room, my body overwhelmed with exhaustion, and my mom taking a phone call from a friend. After we had just been hit with the unexpected hours before, we had no way of knowing that there was even more unexpected change waiting so close by. I’ll never forgot the confused look of disbelief on her face as she looked at me with tears in her eyes and whispered, “Edward’s dead.”.
The next few days were such a blur. Everything from the long car ride back home, to the doctor visit the following day, to the visitation with friends, the only words I can think of to describe it all were shockingly surreal. Then, I was approached with the idea of singing at Edward’s funeral. It terrified me. Singing for others didn’t scare me and I had sung at a funeral before, but this was different to me. I didn’t see how I could possibly get through it after picturing the times that I sang with him sitting in my line of vision and this time he wouldn’t be. But I am so glad that I chose to do it. The day before the funeral, my parents and I shared memories with many close friends of Edward’s. I spoke with his partner and he told me how much he appreciated me singing at the funeral and wanted me to have something special to hold while I was singing; a small glass bead with a ladybug in the center. It took my breath away. He had no way of knowing how meaningful that was to me. As I sang the following morning holding the small piece of glass, God brought upon me a sense of peace and comfort.
The days preceding the funeral were difficult and I still have a hard time accepting the loss of someone who I thought had so much more life to live. Then I think about the ladybug. The average life span of a ladybug is two to three years; so impossibly short compared to the average life of a human. So why do ladybugs even exist if their lives are so short? What purpose do they have? Their purpose is their appetite. They live off of plant eating insects, which in turn allow farmers to grow their different crops without interference. Even though we see ourselves as having long lives and someday dying of old age, leaving this earth satisfied because we crossed everything off of our bucket lists, we forget that life is fleeting and to live another day is a blessing from the hand of God. We should strive to have the appetite of a ladybug for our lives; hungry to be enriched and grateful to be fed with the beauty of life. I know that Edward was a ladybug and I like to think that I am too.
Dedicated to Edward Kindall Jones 6/3/1970-7/1/2010
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