A Time to Grow

Once again I have managed to completely neglect my blog for the past several months, but I really like that there is no expectation here. This blog is for the simple purpose of sharing my heart with others and learning more about myself and who God has made me to be in the process. So I want to set aside this time to talk about my summer. Those who are closest to me know the things that happened and were even there with me along the way, but I'd like to share it now, 2 months after, to reflect on it. It's comparable to a really good book. It's rare that you can read it, then immediately analyze it and know exactly how you feel about it. You need time to let it sink in. So here you have it; my summer...
After spring semester, I went home with great expectations. I felt that the summer was before me bearing many challenges, but I had no idea exactly what those would be. It didn't take long for them to be revealed. Within a couple weeks of being home my family received news that my grandfather was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. This was completely unexpected and quite surreal. The rapid decline in his health over the month that followed was unreal. I had no clue that once he was admitted into the hospital early one morning that it would be the only place he saw until he passed away a few weeks later. During this time I was taking summer classes online, which was the first time I had done this. I also joined a small group with my church, and began working. Needless to say, I had many difficult moments; times when I felt completely overwhelmed and frustrated, nights where I lay in bed so exhausted yet struggling to sleep. But through it all I didn't doubt God's work. I knew there was a purpose for everything taking place and I did my best to do my part as a daughter, sister, and friend because I felt a sense of urgency to do so.
The moment that God called me forth to fully embrace this role was the day of my grandfather's funeral. It was recorded to be the hottest day of the year and we had just left the church to go to the grave site for a concluding service. In the car with my family, my mother mentioned how she would love if I sang at the service. There was no pressure on me to do this since it was an on the spot suggestion, but I felt such a strong need and desire to sing. When we arrived, we informed the pastor of the addition, and after saying a few words he called me forth. There I stood, my grandfather's casket behind me, my parents and siblings before me, and a crowd of people surrounding the tent. And then I sang. And in that moment, the sweltering heat of the day, the weariness of my body, and the exhaustion of emotions were all lifted as God completed a work in me. And all of the moments leading up to that one, were understood. Not every problem was solved, not all questions were answered, but peace was resting upon my heart.
I can look back and see God's sovereignty in everything. Before I even came home for the summer, I set some personal goals which I wrote about in a previous post. Specifically I wanted to do well in school, be more involved in church, and get a job. I accomplished all of those things as well as something greater; God strengthened my foundation in Him. Being the youngest in my family I have always been challenged with insignificance; feeling as though I could not contribute anything to better our unit as a whole. Over the summer, those lies were not entertained. I realized that I am capable of more than I have credited myself and that I have subconsciously used that as an excuse to keep me from pursuing greater challenges. I learned to be honest with myself, own up to my faults, bring them before God and those closest to me, and strive to grow. As hard as that was, it had the most positive impact I could have imagined and it felt amazing! Of course this is something I am continuing to work on, but hopefully we all are, and will never stop. That is my desire; that each and every day I would look to God for guidance and grow into the Merrin that He knew before the foundations of the earth.

What Are You Thinking?

     Recently God has been speaking to me and challenging me about a lot of different areas in my life and I want to share a certain part of it in this post. I have all kinds of weird dreams on a regular basis. Specifically a week or so ago I had one that was so odd, I woke up and kept thinking, "where on earth did that come from??". The thing that was so weird about it were the people in it. One particular person was someone I was extremely close with for a period of time in my life, but do not talk to anymore. It felt weird that they were in my dream when I had not talked to them in so long. But then I remembered that the night before I had this dream, I saw something that caused me to have a fleeting thought about them. I find dreams so interesting. In this situation the fact that I had such a strange dream that all derived from one simple thought I had many hours before it. 
     This got me thinking about how powerful our thoughts can be. Just imagine, our minds are constantly going, jumping from one thing to the next. How many thoughts go through our brain in the span of one day, let alone a lifetime? It is most definitely an unfathomable amount. Now think about the power that the thoughts that we have, have over us. They can cause us to make all types of decisions, sway our emotions, and most importantly affect our spiritual lives. There is so much in scripture about the thoughts we have and how they are equivalent to our actions. Philippians instructs us to think on the things of God and my, how important it is to do this! 
     In my walk with God there have been many times He has convicted me of certain things I was feeding my spiritual mind. Specifically with music. I used to listen to all kinds of music because I liked the way it sounded, but my mind wasn't blocking out the lyrics and just listening to the tune or the beat, it was taking it all in. Simply cutting out music that I did not feel like was honoring God noticeably changed my mindset in no time at all and now I cannot bear to listen to some of the things I used to! 
     Referring back to my story about my dream, because there was a point to that... just like I had a random thought about an old friend which turned into a crazy dream later on, we can have thoughts pop up out of nowhere that can be the beginning of something greater. So what are your thoughts? Are you thinking about the things in Philippians 3:8 which in turn flourishes your relationship with God, or are you letting your mind drift into places it shouldn't stunting your growth in God? Of course we do not have perfect minds that constantly think perfect things, but it is important that we are aware of our thoughts and the power they hold. Do not be weak with your thoughts. Pay attention to what you are taking in and abandon the things that are potentially dangerous to your spirit. 

Pursuing God's Plan

     Last night God started speaking to me about His calling on my life. This wasn’t the first time though. He’s been revealing it to me for years now and I have pursued parts of it at times, but I think I have failed to realize that when God calls you to do a specific thing, there’s no compromising. Most people know I love to sing. Most people also know I love to worship. I have been leading worship off and on for the past six years. I think the key phrase to focus on with that is “off and on”. I never feel satisfied if I’m not leading worship because I know it’s what God has called me to do and it’s where my heart is. It really hit me last night that I need to be where God has called me to be.

     It started by me playing around with different songs and doing a few random recordings. God laid some things on my heart and I ended up writing a song, which I have not done in about a year. It was a breakthrough for me on so many levels. Not only was it the first time I had written a song in so long, but it was the first time I have ever written a worship song. After that I ended up watching some of Kari Jobe’s videos and I came across a lecture she did for worship leaders. A lot of what she said hit home for me. Something I’ve struggled with lately is comparison. For some reason my singing ability has come up multiple times recently in conversation with others and I find myself thinking, “you aren’t doing it as much anymore because there are other people out there who are better”. As I’m listening to Kari Jobe speak she says, “Comparison will be the number one thing that keeps you from doing what Gods called you to do”. That was all I needed to hear.

     So here I am with three weeks left of school, about to move home for three months and then come back to school. Of course I have been driving myself crazy thinking, “How am I supposed to lead somewhere when I’m not going to be in a permanent location for a while?” But there I go again being human and not trusting God with His plan for my life. Obviously since this is what God has called me to do, He is going to make a way for it to happen. But it won’t until I step out on faith and go wherever He says. I mean come on, as Christians, when have we ever looked back on the times we trusted God in the unknown and regretted it? Now that I’m embracing the whole thought of it, the fear is gone and the excitement is taking over.