A Time to Grow

Once again I have managed to completely neglect my blog for the past several months, but I really like that there is no expectation here. This blog is for the simple purpose of sharing my heart with others and learning more about myself and who God has made me to be in the process. So I want to set aside this time to talk about my summer. Those who are closest to me know the things that happened and were even there with me along the way, but I'd like to share it now, 2 months after, to reflect on it. It's comparable to a really good book. It's rare that you can read it, then immediately analyze it and know exactly how you feel about it. You need time to let it sink in. So here you have it; my summer...
After spring semester, I went home with great expectations. I felt that the summer was before me bearing many challenges, but I had no idea exactly what those would be. It didn't take long for them to be revealed. Within a couple weeks of being home my family received news that my grandfather was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. This was completely unexpected and quite surreal. The rapid decline in his health over the month that followed was unreal. I had no clue that once he was admitted into the hospital early one morning that it would be the only place he saw until he passed away a few weeks later. During this time I was taking summer classes online, which was the first time I had done this. I also joined a small group with my church, and began working. Needless to say, I had many difficult moments; times when I felt completely overwhelmed and frustrated, nights where I lay in bed so exhausted yet struggling to sleep. But through it all I didn't doubt God's work. I knew there was a purpose for everything taking place and I did my best to do my part as a daughter, sister, and friend because I felt a sense of urgency to do so.
The moment that God called me forth to fully embrace this role was the day of my grandfather's funeral. It was recorded to be the hottest day of the year and we had just left the church to go to the grave site for a concluding service. In the car with my family, my mother mentioned how she would love if I sang at the service. There was no pressure on me to do this since it was an on the spot suggestion, but I felt such a strong need and desire to sing. When we arrived, we informed the pastor of the addition, and after saying a few words he called me forth. There I stood, my grandfather's casket behind me, my parents and siblings before me, and a crowd of people surrounding the tent. And then I sang. And in that moment, the sweltering heat of the day, the weariness of my body, and the exhaustion of emotions were all lifted as God completed a work in me. And all of the moments leading up to that one, were understood. Not every problem was solved, not all questions were answered, but peace was resting upon my heart.
I can look back and see God's sovereignty in everything. Before I even came home for the summer, I set some personal goals which I wrote about in a previous post. Specifically I wanted to do well in school, be more involved in church, and get a job. I accomplished all of those things as well as something greater; God strengthened my foundation in Him. Being the youngest in my family I have always been challenged with insignificance; feeling as though I could not contribute anything to better our unit as a whole. Over the summer, those lies were not entertained. I realized that I am capable of more than I have credited myself and that I have subconsciously used that as an excuse to keep me from pursuing greater challenges. I learned to be honest with myself, own up to my faults, bring them before God and those closest to me, and strive to grow. As hard as that was, it had the most positive impact I could have imagined and it felt amazing! Of course this is something I am continuing to work on, but hopefully we all are, and will never stop. That is my desire; that each and every day I would look to God for guidance and grow into the Merrin that He knew before the foundations of the earth.