Walking Into a New Year, Continuing the Same Season

It’s the last day of 2011. Of course like every other year, people will be throwing parties, making resolutions, and proclaiming that this next year will be a “fresh start”. Quite frankly, I find all of this pretty silly. Why must one wait for another year to roll around to proclaim new beginnings in their life? If that's how God dealt with us, we would be disasters by December 31! I understand that bad things happen and sometimes a clean slate is needed, but that is why we have a timeless God who gives us a renewed life. One of my favorite things about God’s character is that He works outside of time. There is no deadline, no schedule; He works how He works when He works and He never fails. The best things that have happened in my life this past year have been unplanned and I credit them all to the work of God. He called me His own, He provided a way for me to make a public proclamation of faith through baptism (spontaneously purposeful), He ordained the beginning of a wonderful relationship with an awesome guy (didn’t see that coming!), He protected me by calling me out of a manipulative campus ministry (really didn’t see that coming!), and He revealed to me new desires in my heart for the future. All I see for 2012 is a continuation of God’s blessings through many unexpected events. Sure I have goals I want to reach this next year; thrive in my schoolwork, be more involved at my church, get a job, etc. but I am by no means pressing the reset button. I am merely moving forward on the path of favor that God has paved before me, excited to see what He has in store for me next. Whether it’s the first day of the year, or any of the other 364 days you happen to come upon, today is the day, the hour, the perfect time to make a change. Here’s to the furtherance of new experiences, surprises, and blessings as we go into another year.

Living In The Harvest

     Since coming back to school, my life has been a whirlwind. Most of the time that’s referring to something stressful, but in this case, I am referring to God breathing on my life so strongly I can feel it on a daily basis. After God prepared my heart this summer, I came into this semester with great expectations of the things He was going to do in my life, but I could not have begun to imagine it would be this great.

     Over the summer, God revealed to me how much He would speak to me and through me so I was extremely anxious to get back to Greenville and begin to be a part of something I knew God was going to do on the campus of ECU. There are two main things that have been on my heart to share in this post. The first is the power of God that lives within us and the second is living on God’s time.

     I have always known that once you become a Christian there is a mighty force that dwells inside of you, but I never took hold of it and truly let it flourish until the past couple of months. Being a part of an awesome campus ministry that has such a strong spiritual family is a tremendous blessing. Specifically being on the worship team and having the opportunity to lead with an anointed group of brothers and sisters is a great honor. I have had years of experience with leading worship, but this is the first year I’m finally taking hold of the gift that God has given me and using it purely to glorify Him. It all clicked when I was leading worship in Fayetteville for a fall retreat and after two days of intense, amazing worship; my body was exhausted and my voice was shot. I prayed before leading and asked God to sing through me because I was so worn out. In that time of worship, I was fully consumed. That was when I realized that I wasn’t capable of worship on my own. It is by the power of God that dwells in me that I am able to reach my full potential.

     Another really great thing God has been showing me is the blessings you receive when you live on His time instead of your own. Since relinquishing every aspect of my life over to God, everything has been flawless. Even the times where things go wrong or something bad happens, I continue to thank Him for His goodness and He works all things together for good. Every day I wake up in the morning with an unexplainable joy in my heart because I know the hours that lay before me are all opportunities for His magnificence to be revealed. There are so many doors He has opened for me that I know would have remained closed if I continued to live my life of my own time. Living on God’s time is the most awesome feeling because you never have to doubt that He is in control or have thoughts about things not working out in the end.

     With all of that being said, I want to encourage you to take leaps of faith. Allow God’s power to completely consume you. Throw away your concept of time and place your life in God’s perfect timing. They seem like difficult things to do, but what is so great about the God that we serve is that when we are living out His will, everything is simplified. We are not promised an easy life, but we are promised God’s strength, faithfulness, and love.

Zephaniah 3:17

“The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”

God's Favor Provides A Harvest

My apologies for getting so behind on blogging, but God has been keeping me tremendously busy lately! Instead of doing multiple entries for each circumstance I have been placed in over the past five weeks, I’d like to focus on one particular theme that continues to resonate with me.

1 Timothy 4:12 says, “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.”

This past summer was a time of spiritual growth in my life that completely changed me. The first month was a dry season. I had a hardened heart and there was an extreme abandonment of all that God had done in my life. The next month was an awakening. God abruptly caught my attention. I opened my eyes, placed them on Him, and asked for continual rain through my repentance. The month following that, is what I appropriately call, the harvest. This is the part I’d like to focus on because it is still occurring.

After rededicating my life to Christ on June 7, I fervently prayed for God to make a way for me to be baptized. The church I had in mind required that you fill out a request form the month before the date you would like to be baptized. By that point I would be returning to college and would have to wait until fall break or Christmas time. I didn’t want it this way. I was insistent on it being before I went back to school. It was important to me that I went into the new semester with a strong proclamation on where I stood in my faith. Sure enough, on August 6, I walked into church and found out they were presenting us all with the opportunity to be spontaneously baptized. For me, it was anything but spontaneous. God knew my heart and my desire for taking this step in my faith, and He answered my prayer.

The following day, I was off to Durham for a week of student leadership training at Harvest Institute (the name couldn’t be more accurate). I had made the decision to go about a month or so before and had no idea what God was going to do in my life that week. The timing could not have been better; right after my baptism and right before leaving to go back to school. One night I stayed up late after a long day of hearing some awesome lectures and I talked to my friends Sarah and Kathleen. I shared with them how passionate I felt about connecting with others and building relationships. I explained that God has taught me, just because I am the youngest in my family as well as among many of my friends, I am not any less significant. I continued on by sharing the verse from 1 Timothy. The next day I received prophetic words from three of the leaders at HI that completely blew me away. They told me that God was going to use my personality to reach out to others and be a witness to them, but not only that. One man gave me the verse, 1 Timothy 4:12! God reassured me in that moment that all of the desires that are on my heart were placed there by Him and that He is going to use those desires for His glory. It was such a blessing to receive confirmation from the one who created me. That was one of the MANY memorable experiences that took place that week. I could write pages on the things that transpired during my time at Harvest, so if you want to hear more about it, let’s do lunch!

All in all, the past few months were a time for me to be challenged and pursued by God in a new way. My faith, my beliefs, my convictions, and my walk are all mine to carry out. Regardless of my age, I am accountable for the decisions I make and they are no one else’s but my own when it comes to answering to God. Now that I recognize that, I am constantly in His favor and I am continuing to be in this harvest season.

My Visions Against God's Will

Unfortunately, to your dismay I’m sure, I don’t have some long drawn out story to share with you; simply a thought that crossed my mind a few nights ago that hasn’t seemed to escape since.

Just because you have your heart set on something doesn’t mean God set it on your heart.

I think this might just be a new life motto of mine. It has been such a reoccurring theme when I look back on certain choices that I have made in the past. My decisions were purely that; MY decisions. They were always what I thought was best and what I believed would make me happiest. I figured if it was something that sounded good and I was excited about it then it was the right choice. Notice all of these selfish pronouns? Going forward in life, it is extremely important that every decision is a decision that began as an idea placed on my heart by God. I’m not intending on waking up in the morning and asking God what I should eat for breakfast, but I feel my conscience inside of me saying I don’t go to Him enough in my decision making. And with a desire to live out God’s purpose in my life, obviously that’s an issue. How am I to fulfill His plan if I don’t seek His counsel when it comes to life’s important choices? It’s time to stop having my heart set on something I think I want to do and instead ask God to place on my heart what it is He has planned. His will is far greater than my visions. Besides, life will be much easier without all of these detours I’ve been taking.

Psalm 91

¹ Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High 
   will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. 
² I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, 
   my God, in whom I trust.”

 ³ Surely he will save you
   from the fowler’s snare
   and from the deadly pestilence.
⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
   and under his wings you will find refuge;
   his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
   nor the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
   nor the plague that destroys at midday.
⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
   ten thousand at your right hand,
   but it will not come near you.
⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
   and see the punishment of the wicked.

 ⁹ If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,”
   and you make the Most High your dwelling,
¹⁰ no harm will overtake you,
   no disaster will come near your tent.
¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
   to guard you in all your ways;
¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
   so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
¹³ You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
   you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

 ¹⁴ “Because he loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him;
   I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
¹⁵ He will call on me, and I will answer him;
   I will be with him in trouble,
   I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him 

   and show him my salvation.”

I spent over an hour struggling through this long rambling confusion of what I intended to be my next post, went to put it up, and decided I wanted to share something different today; the reason this blog exists. I am continuing to be overwhelmed by how God works in our lives. How he connects us and weaves our lives together is so beautiful. This is one of the major examples of that in my life.

My fifth grade year was my first difficult year in school. I did not enjoy the teacher I had. After being blessed with two nurturing, understanding, gentle spirited teachers before her, it was hard for me to accept her strict rules and seemingly less caring personality. She was going through a divorce with her husband of over twenty years and she shared a lot of stories that I did not feel were appropriate for a fifth grade class. Within these days in her class, we began memorizing different passages of scripture. The passage we focused on learning was Psalm 91. Each day in class we would read it as a whole and continue to add a verse onto what we had previously memorized. Eventually, we could recite the whole chapter. I didn’t pay as much attention to the message as I did to the fact that I had memorized a whole chapter in the Bible.

Later on towards the end of the year I became very sick with mononucleosis and had to miss a lot of school. My health got progressively worse as I had my first seizure later that summer. This was a period of time I had to deal with a lot of needles. Like most, as a little girl I always hated going to the doctor, and having to get any sort of shot was like a death sentence. It always took my mom, the doctor, and two nurses to hold me down and get me to cooperate. Afterwards I would pout and be angry with my mom that she “allowed them to torture me”. When I arrived at the hospital after I had my seizure, they proceeded to give me an IV. That was when Psalm 91 became real to me. I held my mom’s hand as I said the words aloud. Even now it brings tears to my eyes thinking about the power of the words in those verses. They have continued to comfort me time after time in everything I have walked through, but especially concerning my health struggles.

As much as that fifth grade year seemed to be torture at the time, I look back now and see how God used a woman, broken hearted by her personal trials, to bring me to a new level of faith I could never imagine. She was a true blessing in disguise and I will always be grateful to God for placing her in my life. It’s so easy to question our circumstances when they aren’t what we wish they would be, but we must remember that everything happens for a reason. God placed us here on earth for each other. We ultimately are to depend on God, but it’s the strengths and weaknesses of others that encourage us to reach out and help one another as we trust in God’s sovereignty. 

Ladybug Life

     When I was little, I had a fierce love for ladybugs. I spent many days catching them and playing with them. I counted the spots and observed the different shades of red each small body had. My love for ladybugs turned into an obsession. I had many items of ladybug themed clothing and for a particular birthday, my mom made a ladybug cake.

     One year, my sister got the idea to give me ladybugs as a gift for my birthday. She bought a mesh bag filled with hundreds of them and did her best to make sure I didn’t find out. One night as I was just getting in bed, I heard my sister yelling, “MOM!” out into the hallway. I jumped out of bed curious as to what was happening once I heard much commotion taking place. Of course, I was told to go back to bed. Come to find out, my sister wanted to transfer the mesh bag of ladybugs into a large mason jar. As she sat the jar on the bathroom counter and opened the bag for the ladybugs to enter the glass habitat, you can imagine what happened next. I’m still not sure how she and my mom managed to get rid of that large amount of ladybugs, but I’m sure the fact that the wallpaper had a nature theme with ladybugs printed throughout, didn’t help the process. Needless to say, this is a story within our family that never gets old.

     A year ago today, not only was I faced with the unexpected trauma of another seizure, but I also received news of the loss of a special person in my life. Edward Jones, a dear friend to my mom who she considered a younger brother, was like an uncle to me. I had only known him for a few years but he played a major role in my life. He had a great side hobby of mixing music and being the DJ of different major events, so when it came time for my sweet sixteen and my eighteenth birthday party, who better to ask to do the music? My voice teacher happened to live just around the corner from him so each week after my lesson, sometimes I would go to his house with my mom and share a new song I had written or just catch up on life and laugh about its absurdities. I can remember many times being in the car with my mom having a stressful situation happen and a call from Edward would be just the thing to brighten her spirits.

     It was the most surreal feeling just waking up from a heavy sleep in my parents’ hotel room, my body overwhelmed with exhaustion, and my mom taking a phone call from a friend. After we had just been hit with the unexpected hours before, we had no way of knowing that there was even more unexpected change waiting so close by. I’ll never forgot the confused look of disbelief on her face as she looked at me with tears in her eyes and whispered, “Edward’s dead.”.

     The next few days were such a blur. Everything from the long car ride back home, to the doctor visit the following day, to the visitation with friends, the only words I can think of to describe it all were shockingly surreal. Then, I was approached with the idea of singing at Edward’s funeral. It terrified me. Singing for others didn’t scare me and I had sung at a funeral before, but this was different to me. I didn’t see how I could possibly get through it after picturing the times that I sang with him sitting in my line of vision and this time he wouldn’t be. But I am so glad that I chose to do it. The day before the funeral, my parents and I shared memories with many close friends of Edward’s. I spoke with his partner and he told me how much he appreciated me singing at the funeral and wanted me to have something special to hold while I was singing; a small glass bead with a ladybug in the center. It took my breath away. He had no way of knowing how meaningful that was to me. As I sang the following morning holding the small piece of glass, God brought upon me a sense of peace and comfort.

     The days preceding the funeral were difficult and I still have a hard time accepting the loss of someone who I thought had so much more life to live. Then I think about the ladybug. The average life span of a ladybug is two to three years; so impossibly short compared to the average life of a human. So why do ladybugs even exist if their lives are so short? What purpose do they have? Their purpose is their appetite. They live off of plant eating insects, which in turn allow farmers to grow their different crops without interference. Even though we see ourselves as having long lives and someday dying of old age, leaving this earth satisfied because we crossed everything off of our bucket lists, we forget that life is fleeting and to live another day is a blessing from the hand of God. We should strive to have the appetite of a ladybug for our lives; hungry to be enriched and grateful to be fed with the beauty of life. I know that Edward was a ladybug and I like to think that I am too.

Dedicated to Edward Kindall Jones 6/3/1970-7/1/2010

Finding Refuge

     Today marks one year of a pivotal day in my life. I was at East Carolina for freshman orientation and it was a complete rush of emotions. I had finished my first day of tours and tutorials and lectures and attempted recruitments all among the heat of the sun and the mass of fellow classmates as lost and anxious as I was. I returned to my empty assigned dorm room, prepared for bed, and reflected on the overwhelming experiences of the day.

     My random roommate for the night came in soon after and we awkwardly began to make small talk about the campus and different events that took place. Within a matter of minutes our conversation grew much deeper as we discussed our perspectives on life. It was quite obvious that we came from two different backgrounds, but we shared much in common when we dug into the deeper layers of our lives. Before we knew it, it had become a new day and we were still talking at 1:30 a.m. A friend she had met during the first day came by and they began to talk.

     I turned over and attempted to sleep as my mind continued to race through all of the things that had transpired within the last 24 hours. I can’t remember what happened during that time. Whether I fell asleep or laid awake in a subconscious state I do not know, but I ended up rolling over looking at these two girls I had just met and telling them I did not know where I was. For those that know me well, they know this is quite possibly my least favorite sentence in the entire world as well as the indication that the next few minutes will be very unsettling. This is the last thing I can recall of that moment. After that, all sense of time was out the window.

     The next thing I remember was a woman coming into my room telling me I had had a seizure; in the running with my other least favorite sentence. I burst into tears. This was the tenth time. I had so many thoughts rushing through my head… Again? Really, again? Should I call my parents? It’s 3 a.m. Who was in the room? This is the third time this year! AGAIN?!?!... The first person that came to mind to call was my sister. Even though she was back home and my parents were in a hotel close to campus, I knew she would be awake and since I had already had the seizure, I didn’t feel there was anything my parents could do. I felt calling them at this point would only wake them up to be upset and have a restless night. Getting to hear my sister’s voice gave me comfort and the courage to call my parents and tell them what had happened.

Later that morning as all of the other students continued on with the second half of the orientation, I moved to a more comfortable bed in my parents hotel room where I slept heavily and questioned what the future would hold for my college plans. It scared me to think about being off on a college campus and have that happen again, but this time maybe walking to class, or at a football game, or hanging out with a group of friends. After falling in love with the campus, getting into the perfect dorm room, and planning to share it with a friend from back home, it was confusing me that God seemed to send me a sign that I was in the wrong place. Why was He allowing this to happen during such a special time in my life?

     After much evaluation I came to a conclusion. This was the tenth seizure I had had in my life. It wasn’t the first time this happened to me and it most certainly was not the worst circumstance I could have been in. I’ve had a seizure way out in the country of Lexington Kentucky with a very small and incapable hospital, I had one walking down the stairs after a workout by myself on a concrete floor in my garage, I had one just minutes before getting in the car to drive, and I had one going up a steep escalator in New York City. Through all of these scary situations as well as many other times, God has protected me in ways that cannot be explained because they are so beyond our human understanding.

     I knew that my unsolved health condition was something that could not be ignored, but I also knew that God would not allow it to hold me back from the goals I longed to achieve. God helped me to realize as long as I continue to trust His will in my life and follow the path He has set before me, He will continue to watch over me in every step that I take. With that faith, I completed my freshman year at ECU, free of health issues and July 1, 2011 marks one year of being seizure free! Not to say I will never have one again because I am unaware of the days ahead, but I can say that God is faithful to those who fully put their trust in Him and I can continue through my life without worry because of this truth.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

Surprise!

http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/surprise-party/237294/ 

I have always thought it would be exciting to throw a surprise party for someone. Now, not to the extent of Sue’s level of enthusiasm, but I still think there is something special about the idea of a surprise. 

There is a huge correlation between this thoughtful gesture and life itself. Many times we want to take control and plan out our lives in a way that we think we would enjoy. Meanwhile, we forget that life is full of surprises and so is God. Like the grandfather in this skit, the one planning the surprise has a certain love and appreciation for the recipient. God has an overwhelming love for us and He wants to see us happy and fulfilled which is why He is in control. Sitting back and letting God work in our lives can bring forth the greatest surprises of life that we will ever receive. It is an exhilarating idea that always brings a smile to my face. I’m looking forward to discovering the surprises God has for me as they await my arrival down the road. How about you?

Here’s to life’s surprise filled journey!