A Time to Grow

Once again I have managed to completely neglect my blog for the past several months, but I really like that there is no expectation here. This blog is for the simple purpose of sharing my heart with others and learning more about myself and who God has made me to be in the process. So I want to set aside this time to talk about my summer. Those who are closest to me know the things that happened and were even there with me along the way, but I'd like to share it now, 2 months after, to reflect on it. It's comparable to a really good book. It's rare that you can read it, then immediately analyze it and know exactly how you feel about it. You need time to let it sink in. So here you have it; my summer...
After spring semester, I went home with great expectations. I felt that the summer was before me bearing many challenges, but I had no idea exactly what those would be. It didn't take long for them to be revealed. Within a couple weeks of being home my family received news that my grandfather was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. This was completely unexpected and quite surreal. The rapid decline in his health over the month that followed was unreal. I had no clue that once he was admitted into the hospital early one morning that it would be the only place he saw until he passed away a few weeks later. During this time I was taking summer classes online, which was the first time I had done this. I also joined a small group with my church, and began working. Needless to say, I had many difficult moments; times when I felt completely overwhelmed and frustrated, nights where I lay in bed so exhausted yet struggling to sleep. But through it all I didn't doubt God's work. I knew there was a purpose for everything taking place and I did my best to do my part as a daughter, sister, and friend because I felt a sense of urgency to do so.
The moment that God called me forth to fully embrace this role was the day of my grandfather's funeral. It was recorded to be the hottest day of the year and we had just left the church to go to the grave site for a concluding service. In the car with my family, my mother mentioned how she would love if I sang at the service. There was no pressure on me to do this since it was an on the spot suggestion, but I felt such a strong need and desire to sing. When we arrived, we informed the pastor of the addition, and after saying a few words he called me forth. There I stood, my grandfather's casket behind me, my parents and siblings before me, and a crowd of people surrounding the tent. And then I sang. And in that moment, the sweltering heat of the day, the weariness of my body, and the exhaustion of emotions were all lifted as God completed a work in me. And all of the moments leading up to that one, were understood. Not every problem was solved, not all questions were answered, but peace was resting upon my heart.
I can look back and see God's sovereignty in everything. Before I even came home for the summer, I set some personal goals which I wrote about in a previous post. Specifically I wanted to do well in school, be more involved in church, and get a job. I accomplished all of those things as well as something greater; God strengthened my foundation in Him. Being the youngest in my family I have always been challenged with insignificance; feeling as though I could not contribute anything to better our unit as a whole. Over the summer, those lies were not entertained. I realized that I am capable of more than I have credited myself and that I have subconsciously used that as an excuse to keep me from pursuing greater challenges. I learned to be honest with myself, own up to my faults, bring them before God and those closest to me, and strive to grow. As hard as that was, it had the most positive impact I could have imagined and it felt amazing! Of course this is something I am continuing to work on, but hopefully we all are, and will never stop. That is my desire; that each and every day I would look to God for guidance and grow into the Merrin that He knew before the foundations of the earth.

What Are You Thinking?

     Recently God has been speaking to me and challenging me about a lot of different areas in my life and I want to share a certain part of it in this post. I have all kinds of weird dreams on a regular basis. Specifically a week or so ago I had one that was so odd, I woke up and kept thinking, "where on earth did that come from??". The thing that was so weird about it were the people in it. One particular person was someone I was extremely close with for a period of time in my life, but do not talk to anymore. It felt weird that they were in my dream when I had not talked to them in so long. But then I remembered that the night before I had this dream, I saw something that caused me to have a fleeting thought about them. I find dreams so interesting. In this situation the fact that I had such a strange dream that all derived from one simple thought I had many hours before it. 
     This got me thinking about how powerful our thoughts can be. Just imagine, our minds are constantly going, jumping from one thing to the next. How many thoughts go through our brain in the span of one day, let alone a lifetime? It is most definitely an unfathomable amount. Now think about the power that the thoughts that we have, have over us. They can cause us to make all types of decisions, sway our emotions, and most importantly affect our spiritual lives. There is so much in scripture about the thoughts we have and how they are equivalent to our actions. Philippians instructs us to think on the things of God and my, how important it is to do this! 
     In my walk with God there have been many times He has convicted me of certain things I was feeding my spiritual mind. Specifically with music. I used to listen to all kinds of music because I liked the way it sounded, but my mind wasn't blocking out the lyrics and just listening to the tune or the beat, it was taking it all in. Simply cutting out music that I did not feel like was honoring God noticeably changed my mindset in no time at all and now I cannot bear to listen to some of the things I used to! 
     Referring back to my story about my dream, because there was a point to that... just like I had a random thought about an old friend which turned into a crazy dream later on, we can have thoughts pop up out of nowhere that can be the beginning of something greater. So what are your thoughts? Are you thinking about the things in Philippians 3:8 which in turn flourishes your relationship with God, or are you letting your mind drift into places it shouldn't stunting your growth in God? Of course we do not have perfect minds that constantly think perfect things, but it is important that we are aware of our thoughts and the power they hold. Do not be weak with your thoughts. Pay attention to what you are taking in and abandon the things that are potentially dangerous to your spirit. 

Pursuing God's Plan

     Last night God started speaking to me about His calling on my life. This wasn’t the first time though. He’s been revealing it to me for years now and I have pursued parts of it at times, but I think I have failed to realize that when God calls you to do a specific thing, there’s no compromising. Most people know I love to sing. Most people also know I love to worship. I have been leading worship off and on for the past six years. I think the key phrase to focus on with that is “off and on”. I never feel satisfied if I’m not leading worship because I know it’s what God has called me to do and it’s where my heart is. It really hit me last night that I need to be where God has called me to be.

     It started by me playing around with different songs and doing a few random recordings. God laid some things on my heart and I ended up writing a song, which I have not done in about a year. It was a breakthrough for me on so many levels. Not only was it the first time I had written a song in so long, but it was the first time I have ever written a worship song. After that I ended up watching some of Kari Jobe’s videos and I came across a lecture she did for worship leaders. A lot of what she said hit home for me. Something I’ve struggled with lately is comparison. For some reason my singing ability has come up multiple times recently in conversation with others and I find myself thinking, “you aren’t doing it as much anymore because there are other people out there who are better”. As I’m listening to Kari Jobe speak she says, “Comparison will be the number one thing that keeps you from doing what Gods called you to do”. That was all I needed to hear.

     So here I am with three weeks left of school, about to move home for three months and then come back to school. Of course I have been driving myself crazy thinking, “How am I supposed to lead somewhere when I’m not going to be in a permanent location for a while?” But there I go again being human and not trusting God with His plan for my life. Obviously since this is what God has called me to do, He is going to make a way for it to happen. But it won’t until I step out on faith and go wherever He says. I mean come on, as Christians, when have we ever looked back on the times we trusted God in the unknown and regretted it? Now that I’m embracing the whole thought of it, the fear is gone and the excitement is taking over. 

Walking Into a New Year, Continuing the Same Season

It’s the last day of 2011. Of course like every other year, people will be throwing parties, making resolutions, and proclaiming that this next year will be a “fresh start”. Quite frankly, I find all of this pretty silly. Why must one wait for another year to roll around to proclaim new beginnings in their life? If that's how God dealt with us, we would be disasters by December 31! I understand that bad things happen and sometimes a clean slate is needed, but that is why we have a timeless God who gives us a renewed life. One of my favorite things about God’s character is that He works outside of time. There is no deadline, no schedule; He works how He works when He works and He never fails. The best things that have happened in my life this past year have been unplanned and I credit them all to the work of God. He called me His own, He provided a way for me to make a public proclamation of faith through baptism (spontaneously purposeful), He ordained the beginning of a wonderful relationship with an awesome guy (didn’t see that coming!), He protected me by calling me out of a manipulative campus ministry (really didn’t see that coming!), and He revealed to me new desires in my heart for the future. All I see for 2012 is a continuation of God’s blessings through many unexpected events. Sure I have goals I want to reach this next year; thrive in my schoolwork, be more involved at my church, get a job, etc. but I am by no means pressing the reset button. I am merely moving forward on the path of favor that God has paved before me, excited to see what He has in store for me next. Whether it’s the first day of the year, or any of the other 364 days you happen to come upon, today is the day, the hour, the perfect time to make a change. Here’s to the furtherance of new experiences, surprises, and blessings as we go into another year.

Living In The Harvest

     Since coming back to school, my life has been a whirlwind. Most of the time that’s referring to something stressful, but in this case, I am referring to God breathing on my life so strongly I can feel it on a daily basis. After God prepared my heart this summer, I came into this semester with great expectations of the things He was going to do in my life, but I could not have begun to imagine it would be this great.

     Over the summer, God revealed to me how much He would speak to me and through me so I was extremely anxious to get back to Greenville and begin to be a part of something I knew God was going to do on the campus of ECU. There are two main things that have been on my heart to share in this post. The first is the power of God that lives within us and the second is living on God’s time.

     I have always known that once you become a Christian there is a mighty force that dwells inside of you, but I never took hold of it and truly let it flourish until the past couple of months. Being a part of an awesome campus ministry that has such a strong spiritual family is a tremendous blessing. Specifically being on the worship team and having the opportunity to lead with an anointed group of brothers and sisters is a great honor. I have had years of experience with leading worship, but this is the first year I’m finally taking hold of the gift that God has given me and using it purely to glorify Him. It all clicked when I was leading worship in Fayetteville for a fall retreat and after two days of intense, amazing worship; my body was exhausted and my voice was shot. I prayed before leading and asked God to sing through me because I was so worn out. In that time of worship, I was fully consumed. That was when I realized that I wasn’t capable of worship on my own. It is by the power of God that dwells in me that I am able to reach my full potential.

     Another really great thing God has been showing me is the blessings you receive when you live on His time instead of your own. Since relinquishing every aspect of my life over to God, everything has been flawless. Even the times where things go wrong or something bad happens, I continue to thank Him for His goodness and He works all things together for good. Every day I wake up in the morning with an unexplainable joy in my heart because I know the hours that lay before me are all opportunities for His magnificence to be revealed. There are so many doors He has opened for me that I know would have remained closed if I continued to live my life of my own time. Living on God’s time is the most awesome feeling because you never have to doubt that He is in control or have thoughts about things not working out in the end.

     With all of that being said, I want to encourage you to take leaps of faith. Allow God’s power to completely consume you. Throw away your concept of time and place your life in God’s perfect timing. They seem like difficult things to do, but what is so great about the God that we serve is that when we are living out His will, everything is simplified. We are not promised an easy life, but we are promised God’s strength, faithfulness, and love.

Zephaniah 3:17

“The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”

God's Favor Provides A Harvest

My apologies for getting so behind on blogging, but God has been keeping me tremendously busy lately! Instead of doing multiple entries for each circumstance I have been placed in over the past five weeks, I’d like to focus on one particular theme that continues to resonate with me.

1 Timothy 4:12 says, “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.”

This past summer was a time of spiritual growth in my life that completely changed me. The first month was a dry season. I had a hardened heart and there was an extreme abandonment of all that God had done in my life. The next month was an awakening. God abruptly caught my attention. I opened my eyes, placed them on Him, and asked for continual rain through my repentance. The month following that, is what I appropriately call, the harvest. This is the part I’d like to focus on because it is still occurring.

After rededicating my life to Christ on June 7, I fervently prayed for God to make a way for me to be baptized. The church I had in mind required that you fill out a request form the month before the date you would like to be baptized. By that point I would be returning to college and would have to wait until fall break or Christmas time. I didn’t want it this way. I was insistent on it being before I went back to school. It was important to me that I went into the new semester with a strong proclamation on where I stood in my faith. Sure enough, on August 6, I walked into church and found out they were presenting us all with the opportunity to be spontaneously baptized. For me, it was anything but spontaneous. God knew my heart and my desire for taking this step in my faith, and He answered my prayer.

The following day, I was off to Durham for a week of student leadership training at Harvest Institute (the name couldn’t be more accurate). I had made the decision to go about a month or so before and had no idea what God was going to do in my life that week. The timing could not have been better; right after my baptism and right before leaving to go back to school. One night I stayed up late after a long day of hearing some awesome lectures and I talked to my friends Sarah and Kathleen. I shared with them how passionate I felt about connecting with others and building relationships. I explained that God has taught me, just because I am the youngest in my family as well as among many of my friends, I am not any less significant. I continued on by sharing the verse from 1 Timothy. The next day I received prophetic words from three of the leaders at HI that completely blew me away. They told me that God was going to use my personality to reach out to others and be a witness to them, but not only that. One man gave me the verse, 1 Timothy 4:12! God reassured me in that moment that all of the desires that are on my heart were placed there by Him and that He is going to use those desires for His glory. It was such a blessing to receive confirmation from the one who created me. That was one of the MANY memorable experiences that took place that week. I could write pages on the things that transpired during my time at Harvest, so if you want to hear more about it, let’s do lunch!

All in all, the past few months were a time for me to be challenged and pursued by God in a new way. My faith, my beliefs, my convictions, and my walk are all mine to carry out. Regardless of my age, I am accountable for the decisions I make and they are no one else’s but my own when it comes to answering to God. Now that I recognize that, I am constantly in His favor and I am continuing to be in this harvest season.

My Visions Against God's Will

Unfortunately, to your dismay I’m sure, I don’t have some long drawn out story to share with you; simply a thought that crossed my mind a few nights ago that hasn’t seemed to escape since.

Just because you have your heart set on something doesn’t mean God set it on your heart.

I think this might just be a new life motto of mine. It has been such a reoccurring theme when I look back on certain choices that I have made in the past. My decisions were purely that; MY decisions. They were always what I thought was best and what I believed would make me happiest. I figured if it was something that sounded good and I was excited about it then it was the right choice. Notice all of these selfish pronouns? Going forward in life, it is extremely important that every decision is a decision that began as an idea placed on my heart by God. I’m not intending on waking up in the morning and asking God what I should eat for breakfast, but I feel my conscience inside of me saying I don’t go to Him enough in my decision making. And with a desire to live out God’s purpose in my life, obviously that’s an issue. How am I to fulfill His plan if I don’t seek His counsel when it comes to life’s important choices? It’s time to stop having my heart set on something I think I want to do and instead ask God to place on my heart what it is He has planned. His will is far greater than my visions. Besides, life will be much easier without all of these detours I’ve been taking.